


forever

by rosypatchdjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Making Up, Phan - Freeform, Some light smut, breaking up, like super super light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 04:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14512494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosypatchdjh/pseuds/rosypatchdjh
Summary: forever was a promise.phil intended to keep it;even in the worst of times.





	forever

**Author's Note:**

> hi!
> 
> so i would like to place a disclaimer at the start for this one.
> 
> i am NOT casting aspersions on dan or phil and i am definitely NOT saying this is the truth. this is a work of fiction based on true events and this is my own interpretation.
> 
> also, what happened with the youtube leak was horrible and unfortunate, regardless of the intentions behind the video.
> 
> finally, i don’t know all the exact dates and times but this is mostly accurate. feel free to dm me on twitter (@curlydjh) if you find inaccuracies you’d like me to change.
> 
> thank you and i hope you enjoy
> 
> xoxo
> 
> em
> 
> (oh also if there’s typos i apologise. i’m kind of still a little drugged up from surgery and it’s 6:00am here.)

It was 17 September, 2011 when everything changed. Well, not exactly. Perhaps it actually roots back to 13 February, 2010. Dan was in India, and it was the night before Valentine’s Day 2010.

Maybe Phil should have stuck with their agreement. Maybe he should have just gone with.     _we won’t be able to spend the day together, it’s our first Valentine’s Day, let’s not do anything this year._

But Philip Michael Lester, being ever the romantic he became with Dan, had to make the video. And even though it resulted in a year laying alone in bed every night, tucked away to the right side, knowing full well that this bed may never be shared with Dan - _his Dan_ \- ever again... He didn’t regret making that video. He smiled weakly at the memory of Dan’s reaction.

**_— 14 February, 2010_ **

_dan - 05:02_  
_\- gooooood morning philly ^-^_  
_\- it’s 9:30 here but it’s only 5 where u r_  
_\- i miss u :(_  
_\- want u to wake up but also want u to_ _sleep so ur not grumpy with me xD_

 _dan - 05:05_  
 _\- wait why did u send me a video link_  
_\- did u upload a vid without my approval?_  
_\- T__T phillllll it better be a good 1 >:(_  
_\- brb_

 _dan - 05:09_  
_\- ......... phil_  
_\- im crying so hard_  
_\- but my face hurts from smiling_  
_- >_< i love you. forever :]]_

 _dan - 05:14_  
_\- i keep rewatching it. u have made me the happiest i have ever been. i didn’t know i could be this happy._

 _dan - 05:24_  
_\- ;__; phil ur so amazing how am i so lucky?_  
_\- want to come home to u and cuddle plz_

 _dan - 05:25_  
_\- my parents are making me go outside :(_  
_\- i love u so much phil <3_  
_\- thank u for making today so special._  
_\- i love u. happy valentines day. <3 <3 <3_

 _phil - 10:21_  
_\- good morning!!! ur messages made me cry ;__; we’re such nerds_  
_\- i love u too dan. happy valentines day. :] <3_  
_\- i’m so happy i could make this for u. i hope it’s okay that i did this... i know we said we wouldn’t but i had a lot to say :3_

 _dan - 10:22_  
_\- omg u idiot of course its fine_  
_\- i love u_  
_\- im such a bad boyfriend >_<_

 _phil - 10:22_  
_\- you’re not. you’re amazing._

 _dan - 10:23_  
_\- i wanted to call myself AmazingDan but that joke was taken :(((_

 _phil - 10:23_  
_\- omg shut up xD_  
_\- i want to be with u forever too, by the way._  
_\- plz :]_

 _dan - 10:24_  
_\- forever. <3_

But ‘forever’ was just a word, and promises were made to break sometimes.

When Phil said forever, he had never felt the power and meaning of a word so strongly. He wanted everything with Dan. The good and the bad. He wanted to be with him through everything and wanted Dan to be there with him, too.

Maybe ‘forever’ was a word Dan didn’t feel.

Or maybe the problem was that ‘forever’ was a word to Dan. Maybe Dan didn’t feel the infinite promise within it. When they’d lay in bed, legs tangled, foreheads pressed together and whispering ‘forever’ into warm air, maybe it was only an empty promise to Dan.

But then again, Phil couldn’t blame him for it. Things were perfect and truly did seem infinite before late 2011. We all fall apart sometimes.

 ** _—_**   **17 September, 2011**

Phil woke up around 11:30. It was a Saturday, so they had allowed themselves to sleep in. Dan was still deep in sleep beside Phil, silent save for soft exhales. He stared at Dan for a moment.

His fringe was pushed back out of his face, exposing his forehead. His face was fully relaxed and he was lying on his right side, facing Phil. Phil leaned over for a moment to press a gentle kiss to the younger boy’s forehead. He then sat up a little in bed and pulled on his glasses.

Except, opening Twitter was a mistake. Waking up that morning felt like a mistake. Everything was suddenly crashing down like thunder and lightning and Phil was out in the open, exposed. Forced to take the hits.

The first tweet he saw was a screenshot of the video from 2010, tweeted by a fan. The video simply entitled “:3”, with the bio ‘holding my thoughts in my heart.’ The video he and Dan had exchanged loving comments on, promising forever.

Phil moved as fast as he possibly could to Youtube, switched over to LessAmazingPhil, and located the video (which was not hard, since his most recent notifications were comments and likes on that video), and checked the privacy setting.

_Public._

“What the fuck?” Phil whispered under his breath, eyebrows furrowed deeply. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to scream or cry. Part of him wanted to laugh it off and go back to bed.

Phil swallowed every emotion threatening to bubble up and privated the video. He decided that was the thing to do before waking Dan into this nightmare. He didn’t realize how long the nightmare would be.

He took a deep breath to collect himself before he placed his hand on the bare, tan shoulder of the boy beside him.

“Dan. Wake up.” Phil shook his shoulder lightly, mumbling an exasperated “come on” when Dan shrugged Phil’s hand off.

“Dan. It’s bloody serious. Wake up. YouTube glitched.” These word’s made Dan’s eyes pop open. He stared up at Phil and squinted a little as he struggled to adjust to the light seeping in from their window.

“What?” He grumbled, sitting up a little in bed and turning his full attention to Phil.

“Right- uhh... remember that video I made for you? For our first Valentine’s?” Phil stumbled over his words. He felt terrible.

The sinking feeling in his stomach finally dropped when he saw Dan’s face. His face became one of fear, anger, and confusion.

“Wh-wh.... How?” Dan managed, standing up from his place beside Phil in bed. Dan began to pace the floor anxiously.

“I don’t know. Other videos are up too, but... people are spreading that one.” Phil offered his best explanation. He had barely had any time of his own to process this.

Dan grabbed his phone from where it had fallen on the floor when he stood up and opened twitter. He stopped pacing and stayed silent for almost ten minutes.

The silence dragged on. It was so painful. Phil watched Dan’s face as he worked through the reality of what happened. He was stood in one spot, face pale, hands shaky as he scrolled through his phone. Finally, he dropped it on the bed and put his face in his hands.

“What the fuck do we do? Phil, this could ruin everything. I’ve not even come out to some of my Uni friends yet.” Dan’s words were muffled as he spoke into his hands, but Phil managed to catch the point. “Everything was so perfect. Things were fine. How the fuck did this happen? My career... it’s probably over.” Dan choked out a sob on the word ‘over’ and suddenly broke. He was crying into his hands and his body was shaking and it made Phil’s heart shatter.

He stood from the bed and walked to where Dan stood, collecting the boy in a tight hug, pressing his lips to Dan’s temple.

“Hey, hey. We’re in this together. I’ll email YouTube and ask what happened. I’ll get the video copyrighted. We can figure this out.” He was speaking so quietly that his voice was barely audible, but Dan settled a little into Phil’s chest and sniffled quietly, the sobs fading out rather quickly. Dan pulled back just enough to meet eyes with Phil.

“How do you know? I could lose everything.” Dan sighed heavily and buried his face in Phil’s shoulder. Phil squeezed Dan a little tighter.

“You’ll never lose me.” Phil whispered.

And that was how things went. Phil calmed Dan down, emailed YouTube, and managed to place a copyright on the footage. He did whatever he could to prevent it from being reposted. Dan took to discussing the video, explaining it as a prank that they felt was too far and went back on last minute. Their small fandom decided to drop it- for the most part. That was just how they were. Phil thought things could be okay.

But they weren’t. And it wasn’t even one big fight that made things change. It was gradual.

Dan started coming to bed later, often when Phil had already fallen asleep. When Phil was awake, Dan slept with his back to Phil. Dan stopped treating Phil like his boyfriend. Dan needed someone to pin blame on for what happened and the only person he could effectively blame was Phil.

It was hard for Phil not to blame himself. Dan would hide away in his room and eventually stopped sleeping with Phil altogether. It wasn’t until May when Phil tried to confront him.

**_— 11 May, 2012_ **

Phil took one more deep breath before knocking on the closed door.

It had taken a lot of mental and emotional preparation to bring himself to confront Dan. It seemed that Dan was perfectly happy ignoring Phil, other than when it became necessary.

They still played games together, but Dan was much more competitive and Phil never really wanted to win. They still kept up appearances on YouTube to the best of their ability, as they both seemed to recognize that this was a small bump in the road.

Dan had still decided to rent out a new flat and move to London with Phil, so perhaps things were fixable. Clearly Dan was still holding on to the frayed ends.

The door swung open, pulling Phil from his thoughts. Dan was wearing his pyjamas and his hair was all ruffled and he stared at Phil with an expecting look that made Phil want to just grab him and kiss him until Dan was his again.

Until they had ‘forever’ back.

But this boy was an empty shell of Dan. He had dark circles and rarely went outside and posted angry things on Tumblr towards the fans who still talked about the video, and more importantly, ‘Phan’.

The viewers had caught onto Dan and Phil’s chemistry almost instantly, and it felt like hardly any time had passed before ‘Phan’ was everywhere on Phil’s social media. For Phil, it had been charming and reassuring to see that the love they shared was inspiring so many people. ‘Phan’ was never a problem for Phil.

For Dan, it was a different story. He liked it at first, for essentially the same reasons as Phil. It started off so harmless. It wasn’t until the Youtube glitch that it began to hurt and anger Dan. These feelings were never shared directly to Phil- they were only shared in aggressive messages and posts towards the ‘shippers’. It really hurt Phil to see Dan hurting.

Dan cleared his throat and tilted his head a bit at Phil, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“What?” He asked expectantly.

“Erm, right. Yeah. Can we uh- can we talk?” Phil managed, shifting his weight to his other foot.

“Oh. Um, I’m busy right now. Editing. Sorry.”

It was the lamest excuse and a blatant lie but Phil knew better than to push.

“Oh, of course, sorry. I’ll catch you later.” He mumbled, and before he could let Dan really observe his reaction, Phil nearly bolted to his own room and closed the door.

—

When Phil was laying in bed that evening, he could hear some soft music playing from Dan’s room. He could hear Dan pacing.

He always paced when he was nervous.

Phil wanted nothing more than to run to him. He wanted to hold Dan and let him vent and go back to how they used to be. But he couldn’t.

That was- _Phil_ couldn’t approach _Dan_. Phil had absolutely no say in what Dan did or said to him. All he could do was make conversation and hope for the best.

The knock on his door jolted Phil out of his light sleep. The knock was soft and hesitant and barely-there, but Phil caught it and his heart began to pound. Was Dan okay? Did Dan hurt himself?

Phil cleared his throat, rolling onto his back and shifting backwards to sit up against his pillows. He pulled on his glasses as he called “come in!”, trying to sound as calm and collected as he could.

The door creaked open and a deflated silhouette came into Phil’s view. Not only that, but- Dan was crying. No, he was full-on sobbing. He looked and sounded so broken and every sniffle felt like daggers in Phil’s heart.

“Oh, baby... C’mere.” Phil managed, peeling back Dan’s perfectly made corner of the covers (or, what used to be Dan’s) and holding his arms out. Without as much as a word, Dan padded over to the bed and climbed in with Phil, immediately tucking himself against his chest.

Phil held the shaky figure and it had been so long that he could feel a few tears prickling his own eyes. Phil buried his face in Dan’s hair and inhaled the familiar scent. He tangled their legs together and left his arms wrapped tightly around Dan’s frame.

They laid in silence for what could have been hours. They were tangled up, Dan tucked perfectly against Phil, and they drifted to a slow and familiar sleep like that.

The next morning, when Phil woke, Dan was gone. When he came downstairs for breakfast, Dan acted no differently. It was as though the previous night had never even happened.

While this was probably entirely the wrong idea, Phil gave Dan the benefit of the doubt and respected his boundaries.

 _We all get lonely_ , Phil told himself.

But the visits did not stop. They continued. Some weeks, Phil spent four or five nights, silently holding Dan’s shaking frame as he cried. There were other weeks that passed with no visits.

Dan would let himself into Phil’s room, tuck himself against Phil, and let himself be comforted by the older boy until they drifted off.

But somehow, Dan was gone whenever he woke up. He always made sure to leave again.

And maybe these visits were starting to kill Phil. Because months and months had passed and Phil was still just letting himself be totally and absolutely in love with the boy who left him and it hurt, but he always let Dan back in, even with the knowledge he’d always leave again.

**_— 18 September, 2012_ **

It had been one year and one day since the incident. Dan’s visits still took place, and they had started to act like slightly-tense-and-awkward-but-trying-their-best friends again and Phil thought he could do this. But perhaps his touches with Dan when they were joking around got a little too friendly.

Because friends were not supposed to incorporate so much flirty banter into conversations. And friends weren’t meant to call their friends ‘beautiful’ and ‘stunning’ when they wore new shirts. And friends weren’t meant to get butterflies whenever their friend’s shirt would ride up and expose a tan expanse of skin when Phil would initiate tickle fights. And, honestly, friends should not have as many tickle fights as they did.

Phil knew all of this. He knew that they were meant to be just friends, and that he would maybe get his Dan back, even if it was just as a friend. But he could not contain himself. Especially when Dan came home, drunk on free wine from a business meeting.

He fell up the stairs on his way in the door. Phil jumped up and rushed to see if Dan was okay upon hearing the noise, but elicited a giggle at Dan’s clumsiness.

“Liiiiiiveshow!” Dan sang, grabbing Phil’s wrist and guiding him down the hall towards his room. Dan flopped down onto his bed and pulled his laptop open.

This was Phil’s first time proper seeing Dan’s new room (other than in videos). He liked it. It was very _Dan_. Phil laughed awkwardly and leaned in the doorway of Dan’s room.

“Is a tipsy liveshow really a good idea?” Phil commented, hoping to talk Dan down.

“I’m not even tipsy. The alcohol is barely hitting me.” Dan murmured, clicking away on his laptop as he set up his YouNow to go live. “M’like a four.”

“Dan, you’re at least a six on the drunk scale.” Phil commented, but sure enough, Dan ignored his protests and went live. Phil sighed and made his way back to their living room, plopping himself down on their sofa. He pulled out his phone and went straight to Dan’s livestream.

And yes, Dan looked sinfully cute and he kept showing the waistband of his boxers to the camera and he was blabbing on about God-knows-what between protests that he was not drunk. And Phil was so happy to be able to sit and watch this part of Dan. He missed carefree Dan.

But then, Dan decided it was time to go visit Phil. Dan settled down beside him and began chatting away, even managing to convince Phil to dance Gangnam Style with him. On a liveshow. Phil was so whipped for him.

When they settled back down on the couch, Phil couldn’t help but comment on Dan’s horned hood as an excuse to get his arm around Dan, even if just for a moment.

Dan went on to wrap up the liveshow after that, and perhaps it seemed a bit rushed but their thighs were pressed together and Dan’s drunk body was radiating heat and _fucking hell, Phil missed this._

When Dan closed his laptop and set it on the table in front of them, Phil expected him to get up and retreat to his room, but instead, Dan settled back against his sofa crease, eyes fixed on Phil.

Phil slowly met their eyes and gave Dan a hesitant look. He knew that look. He knew it better than he knew most things. And he knew he was only getting that look because Dan was tipsy and was notoriously flirty when he got drunk. It was probably - no, totally wrong to let Dan even look at him like that, and it was definitely wrong when Dan suddenly pounced at Phil, locking their lips, but Phil’s arms did nothing more than wrap around Dan’s slim waist and pull him properly into his lap so Dan was straddling him.

Phil kissed back with love and passion and heat. He had wanted this for so long. He had no clue if things would be the same in the morning, let alone if they’d even acknowledge it. But Phil had heat pooling in his lower stomach and he was getting harder against Dan’s ass as he carefully licked into his mouth.

Dan smirked into the kiss at Phil’s clear excitement and ground his hips down with determination, rolling down against Phil. Phil moaned into the kiss at the friction and slid his hands down to the waistband of Dan’s jeans, snapping the waistband of his grey Calvin Klein’s.

“You sure wanted everyone to see these, didn’t you?” Phil murmured, lips still in contact with Dan’s.

“Mm, no, just you.” Dan mumbled, before he pressed one chaste kiss to Phil’s lips. Dan pulled Phil’s shirt over his head and tossed it aside. He then began to work his way down to Phil’s neck, peppering kisses along the way. Phil couldn’t help the way his cock twitched and his face flushed at the thought of Dan‘s intentions being to entice Phil.

He slid his hands down under the waistband of Dan’s boxers and cupped Dan’s bare ass in his hands, kneading at the skin. Dan pressed back against Phil, not once fumbling from where he was working a lovebite into Phil’s neck.

Phil was far too gone to worry about hickeys. Dan had just finished working a particularly large purple bruise into Phil’s collarbone and pressed one more kiss to the sensitive skin before he climbed out of Phil’s lap and dropped to his knees without a word.

Phil’s eyes grew a bit wider at the boy’s actions. As Dan fumbled with Phil’s zipper, he forced himself to sober up enough to speak to Dan.

“You’re drunk.” Phil mumbled, moving a hand forward to gently cup Dan’s chin and tilt it up to meet his eyes. Dan breathed a sigh.

“I think I am.” He admitted, leaning slightly into Phil’s touch. Phil smiled a little. Even if he wanted everything to continue, he knew that he needed to draw the line after the kissing. He pressed a careful kiss to Dan’s lips and stayed there for a moment, both pairs of eyes fluttering closed and seeming to revel in the moment. Phil was the one to pull away and he pressed his thumb to Dan’s bottom lip, looking down at the gorgeous boy.

“You’re so pretty, Dan.” Phil whispered, causing Dan’s cheeks to tint pink. Phil smiled softly at the boy - who was once _his_ boy - before he stood up and helped Dan up with him. “I think we both need to go have some alone time for a moment.” Phil commented, wrapping their fingers together and properly holding Dan’s hand as they made their way back to their rooms. When Phil stopped at his bedroom door, he pressed a kiss to the back of Dan’s hand and then dropped the boy’s hand.

“Goodnight. I hope I see you tomorrow.” Phil said quietly, stepping into his room and closing the door. And perhaps after they had some alone time, Dan snuck back to Phil’s room again. And maybe they exchanged lazy and slow kisses all night.

But when Phil woke the next morning, things were different. The warmth was still beside him. He was holding Dan in his arms as they used to. Dan hadn’t left him. _Why hadn’t Dan left him? What changed?_

Dan was awake. He was staring at Phil with those beautiful brown eyes and it was like seeing sunshine after a year of rain. It was beautiful. Dan bit his lip as he stared at Phil, seemingly distant in thought.

Before Phil could speak, Dan closed the space and kissed Phil again. Phil hesitated for a couple moments before he settled against Dan and a hand came up to cup Dan’s cheek, thumb stroking across the soft skin. Dan broke the kiss this time.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered. “I can’t believe I blamed you. I love you, Phil. I’m sorry, I- I was just so scared. But that doesn’t excuse it, I just know that I owed you an explanation and I miss you so much-“ Phil cut Dan’s rambling off with a quick kiss.

“Dan. I love you. Forever.” Phil whispered, steadily stroking his cheek. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so fast to forgive. He likely should have waited. Told Dan how much the year hurt him. Made Dan do his laundry for the next year or something. Even just made them sit down and talk this out.

Phil decided all of that could wait.

Because he made a promise. He promised forever- and he was just happy Dan decided to come back to it, too.


End file.
